“Yes, but does he deserve it…”
Deserve…..this word has always perplexed me so. Actually it always stunned me into a sort of submission, into an immediate misunderstanding and disconnect from the questioner. Deserve? Who am I to decide what someone does or does not deserve? Does he really deserve that raise? Does he really deserve to be deposed and beheaded? Deserve….
Such an action, the deciding of a man’s final worth and fate, deciding the actions either being taken against him or being taken in his favor, who am I to decide? I know no man’s soul but my own. And on that note, I attempt daily to speak directly to God and tell him not only did I not deserve all the beautiful blessings that he has given me and I have subsequently thrown to the wayside, but that I instead deserve death! Death!
Do not ask me about this word, deserve. For I have sullied and dirtied up some of God’s most precious creatures. No matter as to whether or not I am deeply sorry, the deeds have been done. And I have come to recognize that I was given blessings as a heathen I did not earn. Why should God then give me such blessings as a man of even the deepest faith?
Because he is forgiving. Because he is benevolent. Because he knows best. Because everything he does is perfect.
Indeed, if he so blesses me again, I would be signing my own death warrant to betray such trust, such perfect gifts. And if my earthly blessings have run out, then so be it. Well deserved, I say. And thus is the answer to such a question: “Does he deserve it….”
If you ask me, I deserve what is coming to me: a lowly sinner, a man who has so sullied beauty, a man, a selfish beast who has so besmirched purity and innocence and trust. Do I deserve even a morsel more of sustenance? Let alone the happy ending we all so crave? Heavens no. Deserve? No. I deserve to be alone, a most wicked and wretched man; a man of selfish and violent delights. And yet this is not the stage God has set, necessarily. He is the decider of “deserves” and “deserves not.” Bleak though my future may seem—and deservedly so—one day a light may come into my life and shine brighter than anything before it. It is possible I have yet to feel the tenderness of a kiss so blessed as to change my very being down to the level of atomic particle.
Never, I mean never, let someone tell you what you, or anyone else, deserves. Such a weighty decision is between you and God. Deserve….
Such a funny word. Deserve….